Rock, Proposals, Splinters
by messy heart
Summary: Freddie has something to say. Sam doesn't want to hear it. At first.


**Author's Note:** This is fic is pure dialogue between Sam and Freddie. I'm sure you'll be able to figure out who is speaking in italics and who isn't. :] Enjoy!

...

Let's get married.

_Are you fucking insane? We're in high school and we've been together for all of four months._

I'm not insane.

_Oh, right. Because my perfectly sane boyfriend _would_ propose to me while waiting in line for a movie._

I'm sure it's been done before.

_Yeah, okay. We're fucking sixteen-year-olds, all right? Now shut your trap and give me money. Mama needs her popcorn._

_..._

Let's get married.

_Awgawd, I am having you committed. I am telling your mom that you caught her crazy and that you need professional help._

I'm crazy because I want to marry you?

_Whatevs, nub. We've been together for a year._

Happy anniversary—

_Yeah. Like I said: whatever! Happy assyversary, nub._

_..._

_What?_

_..._

_The silent treatment? Really?_

Assyversary? Really?

_Yeah, well. You're not the only one who can say stupid things, nub._

Nyeah.

_Nyeah. Order me the steak, will you?_

...

Let's get married.

_Do you want to die?_

_..._

Let's get married.

_I am going to kill myself. You see that bridge? Stop the car. I'm jumping off that bridge._

_..._

Let's get married.

_That's it! Outside! NOW!_

_..._

Let's get married.

_Do you not remember what happened the last time?_

That was hardly traumatic or even painful. Your fists have turned puny and very lady-like from dissuse.

_They are not puny! You're puny!_

Oh noes! I am so threatened by your lame comeback!

_You want to die?_

Why do you always ask me that question?

_Why do you always ask me that question?_

Touche.

...

...

_That's it? Touche? That's all I get? No explanation?_

Can you believe we're graduating from college soon?

_Oh great. Yeah. Change the topic._

I love you.

_I _hate_ you._

I love the emphasis on the word hate. It's like you mean it.

_I do._

Sure you do.

_I do!_

...

Let's get married.

_One of these days, I _will _jump off a fucking bridge. Just you wait and see._

...

Let's get married.

_You are nuts. Nuts. Nuts! NUTS! I'm calling your mother!_

...

Let's get—

_I swear on my mother's grave: if you finish that sentence you will feel my wrath._

Your mother isn't dead.

_Eh. A technicality. She already lives in a coffin._

Again, your mother is not a blood sucking vampire.

_Tell that to all her ex boyfriends._

_..._

Let's get married.

_Shut up._

...

So...

_So._

You wanna tell me why you're asleep in the bathtub? I thought you were going to spend the night at Carly's.

_I was but then Gibby showed up and they were all giggly and happy and I was all 'yuck' so I left._

How do you feel about it?

_About what?_

About Carly and Gibby getting engaged?

_They're idiots._

Uh-huh.

_Don't 'uh-huh' me._

All right.

_Don't 'all right' me either._

_..._

_Stop looking smug, too._

...

I love you.

_Meh. I love you, too._

_..._

What's with the long face?

_My face is _not_ long._

Well, it's all pouty and... c'mere.

_No, I'm going to sit on your lap, pervy Santa._

Pervy Santa? Really?

_..._

Now, that wasn't so hard, right? Now tell pervy Santa what you want for Christmas.

_A better boyfriend?_

But you already have the best one.

...

Okay, okay... Just tell me what's got you sad.

_I'm not sad!_

Okay, then tell me what you did today.

_Carly and I went dress shopping._

Had fun?

_Dressing shopping as in for her wedding gown._

Oh.

_Yup. Oh._

Did she find anything?

_Yeah._

And?

_It was beautiful._

...

People were bleeding.

_I know there was bleeding; I was there, remember?_

I don't think anyone at the wedding will forget that you were there.

_Yeah, well... They shouldn't have gotten in my way._

Yeah, and I thought you said you didn't care about who catches the bouquet.

_I did say that and I don't care._

I find that hard to believe when you've just knocked out all of the bride's maids. And a couple of Carly's cousins. And Gibby's aunt. They're still trying to figure out who that tooth belongs to.

_Probably that Alice girl. I hate her._

You hate her? You barely know her.

_I know her enough to hate her. Besides..._

Besides what?

_She was making eyes at you the entire day. Doesn't she know that you belong to me?_

I guess not.

_I should just tattoo my name to your forehead. Or! Remember your face tattoo_—

No way.

_No fun!_

There's a far better alternative anyway.

_Which is?_

...

_..._

Never mind.

_Uh, what?_

Never mind.

_Are you serious?_

Yeah. Never mind.

_I hate you_.

Well, too bad. I love you.

_Such a fucking sap._

_..._

Did you see the invitation to Spencer's wedding?

_Yeah, I did. And it gave me a splinter._

C'mere.

_Why?_

Because pervy Santa wants to kiss it better.

...

There's an invitation in the mail. Looks like a wedding invitation.

_Who from?_

Just a sec... Oh, Brad. Brad's getting married.

_Everyone's getting married._

Yes. Yes, they are.

...

So just tell her that you don't want to be her maid of honor.

_I can't! She's my sister. Well, okay, I could. But I don't want to fucking hear her whine about it over Thanksgiving. How will I enjoy my turkey?_

It won't be that bad. Didn't she say that you don't have to work on anything? Just to show up at the wedding?

_Showing up at the wedding is awful enough._

I thought you liked weddings. All the free food and everything.

_I did. _

Did? You mean, you don't like them anymore?

_Meh._

...

What's with the pout, pouty?

_Why don't you ask me anymore?_

Ask you what?

_Gah! Never mind._

_..._

Happy fifteenth anniversary!

_..._

...

You wanna tell me why you walked out on our anniversary dinner?

_Because!_

Because isn't a reason.

_Because... I don't know! I don't know, okay?_

Okay.

_No, it's not okay._

Okay, it's not.

_Stop patronizing me!_

I'm not. Just tell me what's wrong.

...

...

_You say something first._

What am I supposed to say? You're the one who walked out on an expensive steak dinner. And now it's beginning to rain.

_We always have steak on our anniversary._

It's what we do.

_I know._

Okay, so what's wrong?

_I don't know... I just... Fifteen years, you know? It's a long time to be..._

To be what?

_To be... us._

True. But it doesn't feel like it. It feels the same way it did when we were sixteen, only we're a teeny tiny bit more mature and your breasts are bigger.

_Don't make me laugh at a time like this._

At a time like what? We're standing in the middle of a sidewalk and it's raining. C'mon, let's go back inside.

_No! Just! I need to just do this now or else I'll lose my nerve._

Lose your nerve? What? Wait, what are you doing?

_I'm getting down on one knee, damn it._

Wait, stop it.

_No! Let me do this... What are you doing?_

I'm getting down on one knee. You look like you could use my help. Because, unlike you, I come prepared.

_What the fuck? What the... Are you serious? Awgawd, you _are_ serious._

Yeah, the ring is a little too expensive to be a prank.

_Fuck. The rock's bigger than Mel's. I fucking love you. Okay okay, go ahead. Ask me._

_Sam Puckett, will you marry me?_

Meh. Maybe.

...

**Author's Note:**

Yes. I'm the type of writer who spells things as 'never mind' and 'all right' :D That's just how I roll. Thanks to my boifran who offered that a man may measure time by a woman's breasts. Needless, but it made me laugh. So I added it in there.

Anyway, I hope everyone enjoyed this!

Songs: Come to Me by Koop, I'd Rather Dance With You by Kings of Convenience


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